What if I were to say…to my husband:
“I have to think of the past guys I dated in order to fuck you..or suck your dick…or to even play with myself”… (Sorry for the vulgarities but I’m steaming here)… And then I said:
“Oh NM I just thought it would be a funny joke…”.. Or “it doesn’t mean anything.. My needs are just stronger”… And then… Change my story all over again.
This is what porn feels like to me.
Continue reading That’s what Porn says to me…
I wonder If anyone has actually tried to eat spaghetti with syrup and candy on it after the movie Elf came out or what would it be like if we never discovered the earth was round…and what the hell would any of us really do with out Google.
What is it about Walmart and rainy days that reminds me that each day I am simply just trying to tolerate the human race one more day just to get by? And whats even worse is that they have to tolerate me. From people pushing their carts down the parking lot aisles… in the freaking middle of it with their wide asses and buggies, going as slowly as possible, to the people in the self check outs with a cart full of crap. A wise man in AA says that “we need to come from a place of non-judgment”. Which normally I tend to agree with his sentiments, but today I can seem to conjure up enough humility to muster the non judgment. Judgment seems to be all that is in my mind. My counselor always says “what would love do?” Which I also LOVE this statement… because what would it do? would it act gracious while secretly cursing the individuals in its inner most deepest thoughts? Or would it simply just be gracious. The real problem here is ME. I have a case of the fuckits. My give a damn is broken today. I don’t care what love would do…. Except giving that homeless man on the corner standing in the rain ..un righteously I might add.. $10 bucks…..and then thinking why can’t any of these other ass holes see he’s suffering? and then realizing im not unrighteous at all. I’m the total opposite. AND then thinking… you know… I just blew $50 bucks and shit to organize my shit… what kind of logic is that… who has it better off… me who has so much crap I have to buy more crap just to organize it… or the homeless guy who doesn’t have anything… he doesn’t even have to see a counselor to learn how to deal with the human race because to just simply make it through another day alive in this world is a blessing. And maybe… that’s what we all are really doing. And I do need to come from a place of love and tolerance… because I am blessed to be here, another day.. making it through it.
SO … Lack of motivation is my dilemma. I get all these bright ideas… like starting a blog…. working out, journaling three pages every day, eating right, blah blah blah blah blah… and i’ll be pumped about it for like oh three weeks and then fizzle out. I don’t know if its A.D.D… I get bored with new things easily, or I just don’t have any drive. Its frustrating, but I think its also normal.. being in recovery… From the excessive amounts of booze I use to drink, I’ve been told it takes awhile to get back to “normal” …whatever that means. I use to depend on drinking for everything, creativity, motivation, enthusiasm on and on. So… I just need to be impatient… I mean patient lol. The motivation will come if I keep on keeping on. Cut myself some slack, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Is there anything you can’t let go of but you know you should?
Original journal entry sometime in June.
Ironic that this is question 4 and that it kinda has to do with an inventory similar to step 4 (of the 12 step programs). The answer to this is also absolutely yes. I over indulge in coffee, cigarettes, shopping,sweets, and well anything I happen to like at the time. There’s certain resentments I have yet to hang up of “harms” done to me and there’s things I have done in my past I yet to..get over.
I don’t know how that’s all I wrote, maybe I’ll come up with more later…..But as to quote…
“that’s all she wrote.”
Will You Break the Rules Because of Something or Someone You Care About?
Original date (sometime in May)
Absolutely yes. If someone I care about is in any kind of danger or harm I would do what I had to to get them help. And as far as the “something”… I’m not sure… I care about myself- and my car, and about my seats in my car and well if I have to poop I will speed home-bc I care about my seats (both of them huh huh). Does that count? Shewwwww I don’t know, I’m sure this question means more to do with your morals. And the answer is Yes. If they every took away my religious freedom of anything of the like, then Yes I would break the rules for my core morals and beliefs.
The truth is i’m still ironing out what my core morals and values are. What my gut convictions tell me Vs Facts… trust, faith, science, feelings. Its all a messy and confused matter, esp in early recovery… everything is new .. and its a journey i’m willing and Excited to take…
2) How many promises have you made and how many of them have you fulfilled?
Original date : 5/30/15
This is a hard one… there are plenty of promises I made while drinking and never kept. Anything from promising to “show up” to NEVER drink again. I just simply choose to not drunk today! I don’t like making promises I can’t keep, or don’t intend to..(like my Mom keeps asking me to not get anymore tattoos, and I tell her I can’t promise that) I can make small promises today, such as showing up on time, or going places, chairing a meeting.. I can promise to put my best for that day into my “program” and my relationships and my job, which doesn’t mean that my best will be awesome everyday, it’ll just be my best I can muster for that day. I promise to be kind to myself and to try to be kind to others.
Additions from today. 6/25/15
I Promise to laugh everyday, to pray, to do something that connects me to my spiritual self, to be gut wrenching honest (Even if its Only to myself at first), to attempt to “practice all these principles in all my affairs.” I promise to not let myself feel guilty every time I DO get a new tattoo, because this is MY life, and because its WHO I AM. And most of all I promise to be my authentic self and to love who that is.
….Because I can’t come up with anything better to blog about and well because they are interesting questions. Kind of. So I shall give you the answers from the deep depths of my soul… little by little (because all at once might just be to much for you to handle).
Question One: Are you doing what you truly want to do?
(I’d like to make a brief excerpt that was not in my original journal entry.. and that is that I am currently eating pizza rolls, with as much ranch as I want, and eating mango and pineapple pieces, with a monster to wash it down with… for dinner. Because I CAN … and because my husband is out of town and I didn’t actually have to “cook,” so Yes, I am doing what I want to do.)
OK Back to the original journal answer from 5/25/15
Right now? At this very moment? or in the grand scheme of things? I’d have to say for right now; yes. I’m sitting in bed writing about and contemplating a seemingly pointless question which could actually lead to profound knowledge…findings. In the grand scheme of things? I don’t know… I know I want to dance and I’m not, I want to do yoga and I’m no, I wan to ride my bike more, and I’m not… but as far as REALLY doing…like career/big girl life…? I HAVE NO IDEA what is I truly want to do! I’m still working on pruning myself and discovering who I am in this new “recovering” world. So, yes?… I am doing what I want.. I’m discovering who I AM. =)
Conclusion from reading this after almost a month has gone by… I’m a little closer to knowing what I want to do in life, as far as a “big girl” job, and as far as the other junk, like dancing and riding my bike, yeah well i’m still lazy… but hey its progress not perfection. AND I Know i’m the only one to blame and who can fix it =)
My dad has recently gotten into writing poetry and he wrote this and gave it to me the other day. I would not have appreciated this as much a few years ago or understood it like I do now, but I got to get a glimpse of how my alcoholism wasn’t JUST ABOUT ME!.. and this poem confirms it… I am blessed with a good family that TRIES.. atleast tries, to understand my journey, which is more then one could ask for and more than may get.
Sorry its Blurry. =)
I AM/ WAS soo excited!?!?!…. I finally talked my husband into letting me get my own computer, so I could do super important things, like listen to music, and try to blog (I say try because I’m still so new at this and kinda clueless to what I am doing) and shit…. ANYWAYS… I got a ASUS touchscreen/laptop, just a little 10inch screen, nothing fancy, simple, for me, the simple minded (when it comes to technology).. from some nerdy dude off of craigslist. I was scared, I took my gun when we met up… not really because I barely know how to use it.
SO here I AM… sitting with this thing, all excited to use it… and my husband walks by and starts poking his fingers allllll over the screen, zooming it in and out, clicking on things I don’t want it to, porno of girls and popcorn kernels coming up (or out huhuh) …(also that isn’t true.. I heard it from a comedian….)… I should mention here my husband is 14… not really, but he acts like a 14 year old little boy when it comes to pestering me because he grew up with 4 brothers and1 sister… and I only had one older sister and have a pretty short fuse and can go from irritated to rage in like .03 seconds…. and he finds it hysterical, until he gets hurt of course, and them I AM taking things to far again, even though I warn him to stop.
Morale of the story… don’t get a touch screen computer when you are Married to a 14 year old man who wears his ninja turtle shirt more than anything and he’s actually 28.
In AA they would tell me “acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today…” which generally I’m inclined to agree…. but right now … which we’re suppose to live in the “now”… I just want to Bitch Slap him.
I love him though. …Really I do.