What is it about Walmart and rainy days that reminds me that each day I am simply just trying to tolerate the human race one more day just to get by? And whats even worse is that they have to tolerate me. From people pushing their carts down the parking lot aisles… in the freaking middle of it with their wide asses and buggies, going as slowly as possible, to the people in the self check outs with a cart full of crap. A wise man in AA says that “we need to come from a place of non-judgment”. Which normally I tend to agree with his sentiments, but today I can seem to conjure up enough humility to muster the non judgment. Judgment seems to be all that is in my mind. My counselor always says “what would love do?” Which I also LOVE this statement… because what would it do? would it act gracious while secretly cursing the individuals in its inner most deepest thoughts? Or would it simply just be gracious. The real problem here is ME. I have a case of the fuckits. My give a damn is broken today. I don’t care what love would do…. Except giving that homeless man on the corner standing in the rain ..un righteously I might add.. $10 bucks…..and then thinking why can’t any of these other ass holes see he’s suffering? and then realizing im not unrighteous at all. I’m the total opposite. AND then thinking… you know… I just blew $50 bucks and shit to organize my shit… what kind of logic is that… who has it better off… me who has so much crap I have to buy more crap just to organize it… or the homeless guy who doesn’t have anything… he doesn’t even have to see a counselor to learn how to deal with the human race because to just simply make it through another day alive in this world is a blessing. And maybe… that’s what we all are really doing. And I do need to come from a place of love and tolerance… because I am blessed to be here, another day.. making it through it.
SO … Lack of motivation is my dilemma. I get all these bright ideas… like starting a blog…. working out, journaling three pages every day, eating right, blah blah blah blah blah… and i’ll be pumped about it for like oh three weeks and then fizzle out. I don’t know if its A.D.D… I get bored with new things easily, or I just don’t have any drive. Its frustrating, but I think its also normal.. being in recovery… From the excessive amounts of booze I use to drink, I’ve been told it takes awhile to get back to “normal” …whatever that means. I use to depend on drinking for everything, creativity, motivation, enthusiasm on and on. So… I just need to be impatient… I mean patient lol. The motivation will come if I keep on keeping on. Cut myself some slack, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
….Because I can’t come up with anything better to blog about and well because they are interesting questions. Kind of. So I shall give you the answers from the deep depths of my soul… little by little (because all at once might just be to much for you to handle).
Question One: Are you doing what you truly want to do?
(I’d like to make a brief excerpt that was not in my original journal entry.. and that is that I am currently eating pizza rolls, with as much ranch as I want, and eating mango and pineapple pieces, with a monster to wash it down with… for dinner. Because I CAN … and because my husband is out of town and I didn’t actually have to “cook,” so Yes, I am doing what I want to do.)
OK Back to the original journal answer from 5/25/15
Right now? At this very moment? or in the grand scheme of things? I’d have to say for right now; yes. I’m sitting in bed writing about and contemplating a seemingly pointless question which could actually lead to profound knowledge…findings. In the grand scheme of things? I don’t know… I know I want to dance and I’m not, I want to do yoga and I’m no, I wan to ride my bike more, and I’m not… but as far as REALLY doing…like career/big girl life…? I HAVE NO IDEA what is I truly want to do! I’m still working on pruning myself and discovering who I am in this new “recovering” world. So, yes?… I am doing what I want.. I’m discovering who I AM. =)
Conclusion from reading this after almost a month has gone by… I’m a little closer to knowing what I want to do in life, as far as a “big girl” job, and as far as the other junk, like dancing and riding my bike, yeah well i’m still lazy… but hey its progress not perfection. AND I Know i’m the only one to blame and who can fix it =)
My dad has recently gotten into writing poetry and he wrote this and gave it to me the other day. I would not have appreciated this as much a few years ago or understood it like I do now, but I got to get a glimpse of how my alcoholism wasn’t JUST ABOUT ME!.. and this poem confirms it… I am blessed with a good family that TRIES.. atleast tries, to understand my journey, which is more then one could ask for and more than may get.
Sorry its Blurry. =)
I don’t ever take anything at face value. I always think there’s a deeper meaning to life, to love, to relationships, to the way the clouds move through the sky and form messages for you & to the way the stars wink at you when you need them the most. To the way cardinals show up to your friend when she needs encouragement and a sign, or your favorite radio song comes on when you feel like your loosing your mind. To the way my dog lies her head on my lap and looks up at me when I’m having a hard time, as if to say she gets it..to angels disguised as cops to crying mothers in the emergency room. This world is filled with messages if you look for them, or better yet if you stop looking and let them come to you.