Category Archives: Life

That’s what Porn says to me…

What if I were to say…to my husband:
“I have to think of the past guys I dated in order to fuck you..or suck your dick…or to even play with myself”… (Sorry for the vulgarities but I’m steaming here)… And then I said:
“Oh NM I just thought it would be a funny joke…”.. Or “it doesn’t mean anything.. My needs are just stronger”… And then… Change my story all over again.

This is what porn feels like to me.

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Continue reading That’s what Porn says to me…

What is it about Walmart and Rainy days?

What is it about Walmart and rainy days that reminds me that each day I am simply just trying to tolerate the human race one more day just to get by? And whats even worse is that they have to tolerate me. From people pushing their carts down the parking lot aisles… in the freaking middle of it with their wide asses and buggies, going as slowly as possible, to the people in the self check outs with a cart full of crap. A wise man in AA says that “we need to come from a place of non-judgment”. Which normally I tend to agree with his sentiments, but today I can seem to conjure up enough humility to muster the non judgment. Judgment seems to be all that is in my mind. My counselor always says “what would love do?” Which I also LOVE this statement… because what would it do? would it act gracious while secretly cursing the individuals in its inner most deepest thoughts? Or would it simply just be gracious. The real problem here is ME. I have a case of the fuckits. My give a damn is broken today. I don’t care what love would do…. Except giving that homeless man on the corner standing in the rain ..un righteously I might add.. $10 bucks…..and then thinking why can’t any of these other ass holes see he’s suffering? and then realizing im not unrighteous at all. I’m the total opposite. AND then thinking… you know… I just blew $50 bucks and shit to organize my shit… what kind of logic is that… who has it better off… me who has so much crap I have to buy more crap just to organize it… or the homeless guy who doesn’t have anything… he doesn’t even have to see a counselor to learn how to deal with the human race because to just simply make it through another day alive in this world is a blessing. And maybe… that’s what we all are really doing. And I do need to come from a place of love and tolerance… because I am blessed to be here, another day.. making it through it.

10 Questions (According to pintrist & LIfehack) About Life You Need to Ask Yourself.

….Because I can’t come up with anything better to blog about and well because they are interesting questions. Kind of. So I shall give you the answers from the deep depths of my soul… little by little (because all at once might just be to much for you to handle).

Question One: Are you doing what you truly want to do?

(I’d like to make a brief excerpt that was not in my original journal entry.. and that is that I am currently eating pizza rolls, with as much ranch as I want, and eating mango and pineapple pieces, with a monster to wash it down with… for dinner. Because I CAN … and because my husband is out of town and I didn’t actually have to “cook,” so Yes, I am doing what I want to do.)

OK Back to the original journal answer from 5/25/15

Right now? At this very moment? or in the grand scheme of things? I’d have to say for right now; yes. I’m sitting in bed writing about and contemplating a seemingly pointless question which could actually lead to profound knowledge…findings.  In the grand scheme of things? I don’t know… I know I want to dance and I’m not, I want to do yoga and I’m no, I wan to ride my bike more, and I’m not… but as far as REALLY doing…like career/big girl life…? I HAVE NO IDEA what is I truly want to do! I’m still working on pruning myself and discovering who I am in this new “recovering” world. So, yes?… I am doing what I want.. I’m discovering who I AM. =)

Conclusion from reading this after almost a month has gone by… I’m a little closer to knowing what I want to do in life, as far as a “big girl” job, and as far as the other junk, like dancing and riding my bike, yeah well i’m still lazy… but hey its progress not perfection. AND I Know i’m the only one to blame and  who can fix it =)

The Things I don’t take for granted anymore…

IMG_2413My dad has recently gotten into writing poetry and he wrote this and gave it to me the other day. I would not have appreciated this as much a few years ago or understood it like I do now, but I got to get a glimpse of how my alcoholism wasn’t JUST ABOUT ME!.. and this poem confirms it… I am blessed with a good family that TRIES.. atleast tries, to understand my journey, which is more then one could ask for and more than may get.

Sorry its Blurry. =)

Happy Trails.

Face Vaule

I don’t ever take anything at face value. I always think there’s a deeper meaning to life, to love, to relationships, to the way the clouds move through the sky and form messages for you & to the way the stars wink at you when you need them the most. To the way cardinals show up to your friend when she needs encouragement and a sign, or your favorite radio song comes on when you feel like your loosing your mind. To the way my dog lies her head on my lap and looks up at me when I’m having a hard time, as if to say she gets it..to angels disguised as cops to crying mothers in the emergency room. This world is filled with messages if you look for them, or better yet if you stop looking and let them come to you. 

So I work with the Assited “living”… And life is a gift.

We’ll call her Mrs.L for sake of privacy violations and all that. She has the beginning stages of Alzheimer’s, or as she calls it, “a little slippage.” Well I work in the dinning room just as a lowly server, (lead server..whatever that means because I have yet to see a job description for me and I’m pretty sure they just made it up so I wouldn’t leave) and have been there sense they opened in August, 2014.. and I see these people for 10+ hours a day 4-5 days a week. I love them, they are all the grandmas and grandpas you could ask for. Mrs.L… back to her. (Bare with me, there may be a point to this story..we’ll find out when im finished) I hate to love her… no, not love to hate her, I said it right the first time. She’s ornery, mischievous, feisty, manipulative (which yes I realize that ornery is already and adjective for most of those but I’m not a professional writer here) and she’s just so dang cute..most days. So let me set the scene, it really started a few days ago. We have tiny glass vases with pretty little carnations and other things in them we put out on the tables each day and she keeps stealing the vases. Taking them back to her room, where we fetch them later when she is not in there and she never realizes till a few months later when she wants one again. So the conversation goes like this:

Mrs. L: Do you think anyone will notice if I take this?

Me: They’ll notice.

Mrs. L: ohhhh no… will they?

Me: Yes, weve noticed before…

Mrs.L: well whats the big deal if I take one little vase?

Me: because that’s stealing from us and stealing is bad.

Mrs. L: oh boy you guys are something else.

So after a few rounds of conversation she finally conceded and I promised to bring her her own personal vase. Which I knew she’d forget, so I just stuck it in front of her door with some pretty fake flowers in it…or I mean Fake pretty flowers..today. Which brings me toooooo the story today. Her oatmeal. Her favorite thing, besides bacon of course, at breakfast was “too runny.” Which I warned her of this and only added a little of milk for her so it wouldn’t drown… Then she asked for more milk for it so I left the milk on the table,,, warning her again that the Oatmeal Was Fine and in no need of any more liquids…and within seconds after turning my back she drowned it… or “I just added a little dab and now look at it??” FORGETTING everything I just told her about it being runnier today…. and then cursed me and told the “others” what a mean girl I was. ……Fail at feeling good about bringing her flowers..?? nope I think not. By lunch time she liked me again, the morning no longer existed to her any more, I don’t say this to mock her or make light of her disease. The POINT (See I found one) is that I get  a blessing each day from these people and a reminder that life is so precious, every day, every hour,every moment, we should live and treat it that way. We need to (I need to) view life as a gift, esp sense my God has given me time after time to live when I should have been taken away by my alcoholism. AND when I have a bad day remember….I can still remember what I had for breakfast.

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